Sunday, December 04, 2005
I have been wanting to blog about this for very long but don't seem to be able to find the motivation to, so now i shall blog on one this one BIG attitude of mine. According to MPW, if i never rem wrongly, attitude is a set of beliefs and feelings that lead to our intended behaviours. Our beliefs are based on the experiences we have from the past as well as the cultures we are brought up in. Ok, enough of MPW le even thou i am still over the moon after receivin my grade. I love Graham Brown. A pity he is not teachin next sem, if not i surely recommend him cos he uses recency effect and one thing, get him to rem ur name! But anyone needing a 0.5 mod can try his Leadership module, which starts in the 2nd half of the sem. Yeap, end of recommendation.
Hmm, i am amazed by how i can crap on something so irrelevant when my main point is on how i am cynically cynic.
Ok, why am i a cynic? I think there are 2 parts to it. First is the culture i am in, the image i want to portray and the mentality i have for Love. When i was much younger, i felt i wasn't "old" enough to get into one and also the fact that i used to be too idealistic. The image of him has got to be "perfect" but sadly, i learned through the hard way that a perfect guy jus doesn't exist! I think i brought it upon myself, i let him in to hurt me, how dumb!
I mentioned that beliefs are based on our past experiences and the "hard way" just means that. Don't ask me why and don't ask me how, cos i am not sure myself too. Well, well, these are the things that i never know.
I seriously think it is a vicious cycle. According to the attribution theory i learnt from MPW, it says that women have a higher internal attribution as in they blame themselves when things go wrong but i think i use a mixture of internal and external attribution. I attribute my previous heartbreaking experience as one that is caused by my previous "karma". The accumulation of all the bad things i have done when i break other people's heart just comes back to me in 1 super BIG bill...It was hard, but what doesn't break me just makes me stronger. Stronger in my singlehood belief and stronger in my ability to avoid pain.
I know i shouldn't trap myself in the past, the pain is long gone but the thought of it coming back to haunt me scares me. I prefer to walk away gracefully, away from the hoo haa of love because i am a believer of " what makes me happy, makes me equally sad". I am jus not ready, i think i am not mature enough so i choose to close myself up. I hate to give people the wrong impression because that just adds on to my "karma" level. When i say i am not good enough, i mean it. As in, i reallie think i am not good enough. It may not be an answer good enough but it is the truth nonetheless.
It is my fault, i am the only creating the wall between myself and everyone else. It just seem so far away or maybe i am the one who is far away.
Maybe jus a short story that happened today to illustrate my point.
This story happened at IKEA Singapore with yv, york, chris and aldric.
yv was playin with the heart-shaped cushion at the entrance cos it was soft and hugable.
york: You will be happy if a guy gives u this...
yv: No, i will be very freaked out...reallie
When i said that, it felt so real. I can jus imagine how freaked out i will be if a guy gives me that. Yeah, u get the picture rite?
I don't want to create anymore karma alr...I am not a cynic for nothing, even though Huiying keeps tellin me i shouldn't. Beliefs and feelings can be so difficult to change and i don't see myself changin any time soon.
